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Sanity is for Wimps"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." Albert Einstein February 19 Anniversary EditionI just realised it has been almost a year since I've made an entry here. So much has happened.
First, I was laid off from work in January. Now, before you all hurt yourself saying "OH I'm so sorry!", pause. You see, I am NOT sorry. I am actually quite pleased!
Yes, there are scarey aspects of this, I am used to being responsible and paying the bills and all that. But I am not used to doing what I want to do. I am not used to putting myself first. I am not used to thinking of my life as one where I can do whatever I want, regardless of how crazy and far-fetched it may sound.
I have been torn these past few years. I do love engineering, I believe this is something you are rather than something you learn. However, in the past few years my job satisfaction has been steadily dropping. I have felt put down, put on, pushed aside. Frustration that the yes-men seem to get ahead while everyone else does the actual work. Tired of tossing ideas for improvement to the boss, only to be told changes aren't necessary and laughed at, then have my very same ideas be presented as his at a future date. Yes, the turkeys have been winning, and I'm considering just stepping out of the game altogether.
I had decided that this was the right decision for me, verified by my happiness level steadily rising the longer I am away from that environment.
Then I get the phone call. Some executive recruiter in another state, with an interesting job offer. At first I almost dismiss the call out of hand, but something in me makes me continue the conversation. I find myself assuring the recruiter that my return to school is not settled, and I am open to possibilities. I find myself listening to him as he describes the company, the position, the potential. And I'm surprised to find myself becoming interested...
Maybe I'm not tired of engineering. Maybe I'm just tired of dealing with the "not worthy". Maybe there is someplace out there who will allow me to learn, grow, explore and investigate.
Maybe I've finally become bored with sitting at home... February 24 It's raining in the bedroom (again)Today, while working on my latest project, I looked up and was shocked. The bedroom that I just had re-finished a few months ago has water damage in the corner. The same corner that the contractor supposedly tore up, looked around inside and assured me there was no sign of current water leakage. He then proceeded to plaster, paint and finish the walls of that room, charge me $1400 and leave. So, now I have to re-do that room myself. Plus, it is apparent I need roof repair work. I had wanted to finish this work and sell this house but now it is looking like I'll be here another year. Yes, a slow weekend. That's ok, I need a little down time occasionally. Today was veg out day, tomorrow I'm visiting friends. I've got DDR for Wii, and we're going to play! And tonight, we have new SNL, thank goodness that strike is over! February 11 The periphery of lifeSometimes that's what I feel like; that I'm not actually living my life, but skirting the periphery of something so large that I can't see it all, can't even comprehend the magnitude of it. I wonder if I'm missing out on something wonderful. I wonder how other's live their lives without these thoughts, or if they have these thoughts as well and are better at stifling them. Sometimes in the winter months I get bummed. OK, I guess it's depressed, not sure. It's nothing I had to deal with before moving north, and I really don't always handle it well. I crave sunshine, warmth, breezes, flowers, hammocks, barefoot walks in the grass, sleeping with the windows open. Instead I'm isolated, huddled in the house for warmth, looking forward to Monday mornings because I'm forced outside into the world. I don't remember ever not having energy. I don't remember ever feeling overwhelmed by life, where every little task seemed absolutely insurmountable. I have always been the one who dived in, took control, solved problems, made things happen. At one point in my life, I actually had a toddler, a house to maintain, worked full time, took 6 hrs a semester at a local university AND helped my then-husband open a restaurant! And I STILL had time to enjoy life, have hobbies and friends, etc. Now I look around and wonder what happened. I am still an optimist. I still have hope; hope for a better tomorrow, for good things in the future, hope that I will one day learn to fix my hair, and the most ambitious, unreal hope that I will one day finish the remodeling work on this house. I still laugh, mostly at myself lately, but hey who am I to be choosey? Soon I'll stop tearing up for no apparent reason. Soon I'll feel more energetic. Soon I'll look forward to the mornings as much as I look forward to bedtime now. Soon I won't feel as though I am dragging through each day, wondering how to live life when everything feels inane, senseless, empty. I know this to be true. I hold it foremost in my thoughts. When I was young, I grew up in the country. I'd play in the fields and woods near the house. Sometimes my play would take me farther afield, to places where there wouldn't be clear, well-worn footpaths. I'd blaze a trail deeper into the woods, but would unerringly find my way back home when it was dinnertime. I was curious, brave and fearless. Even so, there would be times when I'd suddenly be afraid. I'd look up from my explorations and find myself in an unfamiliar place. The way back home wouldn't be clear, I'd have to work hard to stay calm until I could get a sense of direction. I'd strain to hear sounds of home, stare into the woods seeking anything that looked familiar, take a few hesitant steps in each direction, searching, testing, seeking. Once I felt I knew where home was, I'd run breathlessly, recklessly, heart pounding, through the woods until I found familiar ground again. Then I'd slow down and reassure myself, even laugh at myself a bit for scaring myself unnecessarily. I think this is where I find myself now. Lost in the woods. December 27 So This is Christmas...Well, I am home again, having survived another family Christmas. I stayed with my Dad for 4 days, I do enjoy spending time with him. His health isn't the greatest, so I am reminded that I most likely do not have a lot of time left to spend with him.
Before I left for home, he told me he always enjoys my visits; it's good to have someone to talk to. What makes this statement so sad is that I have two adult brothers who live within a 4 block radius of my father. Actually, they live in houses owned by my father.
One of them is in process of fixing up a new house, he got some money in a small settlement and went in with my father on that house. This is major progress for this brother and a very good sign that possibly he is soon to start living life as a responsible adult. Hard to tell just yet, he is still phoning my father several times a day because he 'needs' something (usually my dad's charge card). I don't think his talk counts as actual conversation, because he only talks about the work on the house, or appliance repair (his line of work). I'm not sure he is even aware of any current events, if you try to discuss anything besides those two subjects in his presence, he will just turn the conversation back to those. But he is at least agreeable (if annoying) most of the time.
The other brother is more troubling. He is always angry. He has always been angry; even as a kid I was always pulling him off some other kid (or some other kid off of him). Now he is 45 yrs old, and has been an alcoholic since in his teens. He functions, in his own way. He has never had one steady job for over 6 months at a time. The closest he has come is seasonal work at the track; each meet lasts about 3 months then there is a hiatus for a few months. He did work for them for years in this way. Now he also has his own kareoke business, so he makes a little money.
When I arrived in town, I called family and found out what the holiday plans were (where and when the various get-togethers were). Everyone asked if I had heard from this brother; I had not. My dad hadn't either. I just figured it would be another Christmas where he was a no-show; it happens, sometimes he sleeps striaght through. Christmas morning I am cooking breakfast for my dad and the phone rings. It's missing brother; my dad invites him for breakfast.
I had a feeling we were in for it when he arrived, it has gotten to the point where you can just tell when he has been seriously drinking. No, he wasn't drunk at the time (that I could tell), it's just that when he drinks he isolates and he is harder to get along with. More liable to go off on rants and such. Which is what he did. We didn't even get through the meal and he started on my dad, yelling at him because he "never taught any of us how to deal with emotion and stress". Yes, he was yelling, and yes, this arrived out of the blue. Typical. Dad and I know better than to even try to reason with him, it only makes things worse. Unfortunately, he caught a shared smile between me and my dad, and blew up even worse. But in the midst of his ranting, he actually said something that gave me hope; he threatened to go to a professional counselor!
Personally, I am of the belief that everyone can benefit from seeing a counslor (psychologist, whatever). It's nice to have another viewpoint to help you get perspective on things, or sometimes just someone who is on your side when you need to vent. I've gone to counselors several times during my life, and have always felt better prepared to carry on as a result of their guidance and insight.
Hopefully he will follow through on his threat before next Christmas. My dad would love to have another person to talk to. December 14 Christmas, Christmas Time is here...Wow, christmas time already. These past couple of months have flown!
Where did I leave off? Hmm. The health thing is one I left out there. Guess what? I think I accidentally found out what in the heck happened last March that kicked off all this "feeling bad". The annoying part is the doctors were no help at all with this. I decided to go to physical therapy to take care of a couple of long time complaints, and while there they discovered that I had a dislocated rib. Apparently it has been out of place for months. The PT put it back into place and now, a couple of weeks later, my breathing has almost returned to normal. Amazing that the doctor sent me for all these exotic tests, but never once thought to actually feel my back to see if everything was where it belonged.
SO, my little self-improvement campaign continues. I want to shed a few pounds, so I joined Weight Watcher's at work. It isn't much of a change from the way I typically eat, but it does make me pay closer attention. Everything is low sugar, all natural, high fiber, all grain, blah, blah, blah. I still get my mochas a few times a week, (fat free, no whip). Other than that, food is boring now.
I'm trying to get the house into selling shape. Not sure if it will be this year or next, but I am thinking this place is too big for just me. I'd rather spend my money on fun things. Or save it, maybe I'll retire one day.
Other than that, the idea of working in Australia has become an appealing thought. Yep, might have to do that.
Until then, ignore the politicians and have a wonderful Xmas! Indulge in the things that make your heart sing! October 08 A Day in the Life...Monday. Aahhh, Monday. It's relentless.
It's been crazy-hot here lately (for MI in October, that is). Last night I laid in my bed, sweating and cussing. And it wasn't even date night! Nope, just way too damn hot to sleep.
Needless to say, I was a regular ray o' sunshine at work today. Crabby, tired, sore and overworked. Had to work through lunch because I started physical therapy today and needed to leave early. It's ok, actually it's better than ok, I'm taking care of old complaints that I never had time to deal with when I was busy being SUPER-MOM! So, pinched nerve in neck and bad feet, your days are numbered! I'm planning on dancing in my future!
The PT office is cool, it is completely staffed by women. Yeah, we dish the whole time. They made me set goals for what I want to get out of PT, I told them my neck hurts when I sit in a booth and my feet hurt when I wear heels, so I want to be able to wear heels and eat out at restaurants painfree. Yes, you got it, the dating thing! They love this goal. Apparently people have weird goals, like raising their arms above their heads or running a mile or weird crap like that. Nothing truly useful, like wearing 4" sling-backs.
I've been working out, it is great. Deep water-walking, I can work hard for an hour and barely stress the joints. It's a nice way to ease into exercising again after all these years. I've also been dieting, or more accurately, paying attention to what I eat. I have an odd problem. If I eat healthy, I don't get enough calories. I actually had to make a goal to eat at least 1000 calories/day. Or, I eat what I want and I end up around 2000. Still not bad, and I'm happy with that, but most days it's the 1000. All-in-all, I hate having to pay such close attention to what I eat.
Then home to watch TV and chill a bit before bedtime. Heroes is on tonight, last year I loved this show and so far this year is looking to be just as good. Seems to be starting a little slowly for my tastes, I guess they're doing that to let the newcomers catch up. I hope they pick up the pace soon.
It will be an early night for me tonight. Tomorrow promises to be better, I saw the weather report and it will be cooling off soon. I love sleeping with a cool breeze coming in the window. How long til bedtime?
September 26 Happy Birthday to me :)It's the day after my birthday. I am happy. Feeling good. Poor, but good.
The strange health saga continues. I've had several very interesting tests, all of which came back fine. But I believe I may have stumbled across the real issue. And it's such a simple thing that it is most likely the correct answer. It will take a few more weeks until I feel confident that this is the answer though, so enough about all that for now. More to come :)
I've started working out; deep water walking. It's fun, I enjoy it, and I can work out fairly vigorously without straining any joints or anything because it is zero impact. I started to get all cocky about it the other night, took off the belt and tried to do a lap freestyle. Reality check! OK, I'm back to walking for awhile more. Bummer.
My friend Ed (HI ED!) came by and took me out to dinner for my birthday. I had been wondering how I was going to fill my evening, typically my mom would send Britt some cash to take me out to dinner, but with her off at school a couple of states away I knew that wasn't happening this year. I was preparing to fight off the blues, instead I had an evening out, chatting and laughing with a dear friend. I can think of no better way to spend a birthday. Next month is his birthday, and I want to take him out. Or treat him to my 'experimental cooking". Hmm, maybe I'll cook something green for him! (LOL, yeah I'm teasing ya, I would never do that to him. Not on his birthday anyway ;)
Oh yeah, why I'm poor. One probably dumb but fun purchase and one unpleasant surprise. It was time to buy a new TV (wow, those decades just whizz on by, don't they?), so I splurged and got a big plasma tv. OK, it's the smallest plasma I could get, I really only wanted a 32" tv anyway but in order to get plasma I had to go up to 42". Oh well, I have about 10 years to decide if that was a smart purchase or not. Meanwhile, HDTV is amazing.
Then today I put my car in the shop. I thought my clutch cable was going out, no biggie. WELL, turns out I have no clutch cable it's all hydraulic. The problem was in the clutch assembly itself, which Chrysler has thoughtfully started supplying only as a complete assembly. UGH!! We're talking $500 in parts! By the time they get done with that and the other smaller repairs, I'm out a grand. Bummer.
Oh well, winter is coming, guess I'll spend it snuggled up on the couch. July 14 Here I is!Some people out there may be wondering what has happened to me. I have sort of disappeared. I have been busy, INCREDIBLY busy.
First, work. More and more work. It's disgusting, I want to retire. I look at my bed every morning and shed a little tear, cause I just hate to leave it so much. My favorite time of the entire week has become Saturday morning when I first open my eyes. After a moment or two of confusion about who I am and where I'm at, I realize that I don't HAVE to get up. I adore that feeling.
Second, da kid. Soon to be a college freshman, lately everything seems to center around college - financing, furnishing, etc. Everyday seems to have some 'prepare for college' task. It doesn't help that my kid obviously takes after some completely different person than me. She moves at her own pace, always has. Not my 'recovering Type-A' pace, more of a 'chronic procrastinator with a bad attitude' pace. Which means she refuses to budge, but when she does you'd better get out of her way cause it isn't going to be pretty. I'm hoping college gets some of that out of her system. A few things have happened lately that gives me hope. Getting her drivers' license seems to have become a priority. Nevermind that she is now 18 and has had her learners' permit almost 2 years, NOW it's important to get the license. I guess after 2 years of learning, she is as prepared as she will ever be.
Third, mysterious health stuff. Yeah, I've been fighting health-stuff for a couple of months now. No, I cannot be more specific, cause the doctor has not figured out exactly why weird crap is happening. I changed drs. Hope reigns eternal. The last one I always did like, but she seemed to have decided that because I try to at least pretend to be in a pleasant mood when I would see her meant that I wasn't really sick. One day as I was driving to work, it struck me that was a bizarre type of hubris - for the dr to act as if since they couldn't figure out what was wrong, then nothing was wrong. I know, my tenses are all over the place, so what, it's Saturday morning. Chill.
BTW, Do those insomnia commercials with Abe Lincoln and the beaver weird anyone else out like they do me? Something about Honest Abe saying "Just Chill". Yup, just thinking about it gives me the willies. Some things are just too perverted. LOL, this from someone who actually enjoys a bit of 'perverted' from time to time!
 What doesn't kill us just makes us stranger, ya know!OK, now I feel like I've just been whining. But not to worry, I'm my usual happy self. These things I know:
Work springs eternal. Ignore it whenever possible, enjoy it when you can.
The kid will go off to school and I will miss her. Eventually I will even miss the bitching.
The health thing will straighten out, I'm typically a very healthy person. Also, I don't have the time or inclination to be a sickly person. I'm not depressed as much as annoyed, greatly annoyed. Some dr somewhere will figure out what the deal is, or I will hurt someone. LOL I just had a flash of Rambo: First Blood in the ER, waving the big gun, "Diagnose me or else!" Yeah, it isn't funny so much as it's sad. Oh yeah, and annoying.
I'll try to post more often. I am still me, trying to laugh through it all. I've got so much bottled up right now, I don't even know where to start: Sicko, Paris Hilton, Posh and Becks, more presidential candidates than a Derby field, omg the world is so nuts.
I keep having the opening of 'The Gods Must Be Crazy' running through my mind, the barefoot tribesman when he first discovers the Coke bottle. I know how he felt.
May 13 Mother's DayToday is Mother's Day. My girl was giving the sermon at her church, so I had to attend. I don't normally attend church, but she enjoys it and I support her. It was a lovely service, the kids' worked hard and yes, mom's enjoy watching their kids' be cute. Even when their 'kid' is turning 18 in a few weeks and graduating high school. She's still my kid, and she still makes my heart melt. I suppose it will always be that way.
Afterward, she took me out to dinner. I think this is the first time she has taken me out and it truly be her taking me out as an adult. She informed me that I should order anything on the menu, and to save room for dessert. Yes, I noticed this, usually when your minor child is treating you to dinner it ranges between them merely picking out the restaurant to the 'I only have $20' styles. We also had serious, adult conversation about college, her boyfriend, her plans about the future. The entire dinner wasn't so serious; we also had our typical joking fun.
When we returned home, she surprised me with yet one more gift - a box of Godiva truffles. I was actually getting a bit teary by this time, faced with all of this sudden adultness.
I suppose she held in her 'teenager' as long as she could by that time. A quick clothes change and out the door to go socialize with her boyfriend, leaving Mom with laundry and grocery shopping. That's ok, I don't know if I could have handled too much more myself. I know these are the last, lingering days of her childhood, and it's bittersweet watching her prepare to leave the safety of our home and venture out into the scarey world.
I hope everyone had a nice Mother's Day as well. February 05 Memories, like the corners of your mind...Sometimes I love my deja vu experiences. People around me think I've lost my mind, because I enjoy them so much I'll randomly start laughing for no apparent reason. The people who don't know me very well will look at me expectantly, thinking an intelligent explaination will follow. But eventually they learn that isn't happening. I used to try to explain; I know better than to try now. Sometimes the joke is all mine, mine alone.
Group jokes can be fun too. Our little group had a running joke for awhile, it was great.
There was a guy in our group (there's always 'that guy') who was, well, an asshole. Spoiled, pampered, upper-middle-class indulged snot of a guy, who was also a bit of a weinie. yeah, he whined. He was insecure, in that always has to one-up everyone sort of way. He also always HAD to have the latest gadget first. Even if it served no purpose in his life other than to allow him to spend his time bragging to everyone around him about his latest gadget.
Which brings us to the pager.
In a time before everyone and their dog had a cell phone, there were beepers. The first beepers were really stupid machines; all they did was beep. You had to call a phone number to get an actual message. Yup, the same phone number all of the time, like calling your answering machine.
But then, a new sort of beeper began appearing. It had a display, someone could actually skip the whole 'answering machine' thing and send their phone number directly to the beeper. Theoretically, the person with the beeper would see this number and call it. People got really good with this technology, they'd hide all sorts of codes in the phone numbers so that the recipient would know if they were to phone, or just go home, or if it was an emergency, or a trip to Taco Bell was in order. Some of the codes were pretty elaborate.
Our friend got a beeper. I suppose it was so his mother could reach him; he had no job, lived with his parents and had no life outside of the latest video game. He then proceeded to annoy the hell out of us by constantly looking at the beeper, wondering aloud if it was working properly because it hadn't gone off all day, etc. Every time we'd get together, this would be his routine. We finally decided he should get the full value out of his beeper.
Remember the first alpha-numeric displays, all of the numbers were really blocky? "07734" turned upside-down spelled "hELLO"? So, now all we needed was a 7-letter word that expressed our true feelings for our friend, and would also lend itself to hiding within a phone number. Yep, you guessed it, "aSShOLE" fit! You had to be a bit imaginative with the 'a', but not very, because even the asshole got it.
So, we would be sitting around bored and decide to randomly page the guy to call 3704550. Then we'd just laugh amongst ourselves, knowing his likely response. We also passed his number along to a few more friends, yes, he was a very popular guy and there were many, many people around willing to enhance his day.
We were at the bowling alley a few weeks later, and he got a page. We had never been present when he actually received one of these calls before, so we had a very hard time not laughing. He suddenly looks down at his pager, and yells "DAMMIT!" I (oh-so-innocently) ask what's the matter, he says someone has his pager number by mistake and keeps calling it. And to make matters worse, it's to a number that doesn't exist, so he cannot call and tell them about their mistake. Hmmm, it hadn't occurred to us that he would take it seriously, obviously this guy needed a nudge.
Being the helpful sort of person that I am, I ask him if he tried calling that number with the different area codes in the vicinity. Of course he has, he snaps back. Wow, make it easy for me dude. So I lean over, look at the pager and "notice" that the letters are actually forming a word! Isn't that interesting?
It's hard to describe the exact shade of purple-red his head turned. I think it was about the same shade as a ripe fig. Kinda violet. But oddly enough, there was actually smoke coming out of his ears. Yeah, he finally 'got' it.
Well, by that time, the genie was out of the bottle. Everyone loved this guy, so the number had been passed on to so many people who wanted to 'help' that he was getting several pages a day for months. We never had to make a call ourselves again. It was pretty interesting too; we'd all be up at the bar, listening to the band, and he'd suddenly look down at his belt and start cussing. It took him months to just give up and get rid of the pager. Yes, I still laugh when I think of it. Good times.
So, if you're ever hanging out with me and I start chuckling about, well, apparently nothing, it's probably best to not ask. February 03 Feb WeekendIt's cold. We're having a blizzard.
Staying at home, huddled in, and it's cold.
Really cold.
And I'm bored.
It's times like this that make me wish I hadn't stopped smoking. It would give me something to do. Besides eat. And shiver.
Oh well, other news.
Hmm, tax time is here. Mine are complete, but I can't send them in until after the IRS ok's some form. That is annoying.
I lost Violet a few weeks ago. Still bumming over that one. Boodle is the only bunny left, I set him up in a pen near Whirly-girl the guinea pig. He keeps jumping into her pen to steal her food. I don't have the heart to seperate the two, it's all the social life either of them has at this point. Better than nothing, I suppose. So I give Whirly extra food to account for his little forays.
Britt has been bitchy. Senioritis, they say. Can't get her out of her room half of the time, wish she'd go back the other half cause she's so gripey. Grades are dropping too. I'm starting to wonder if she's trying to sabatoge herself. Going off to college can be scarey. Of course, so far she isn't going anywhere. She has tentative acceptance letters, but still needs to file the rest of the paperwork. Maybe we'll get that done this weekend.
I started a new exercise program. Weight keeps bouncing up and down. Really annoying. Even hit 170 a week or two ago, talk about depressing. I cannot handle extra weight, it affects me immediately. I have no idea how some people put on so much, I get to 170 and I'm gasping for breath just walking around. Incentive, I suppose. I am enjoying this workout tremendously. Turbojam. Based on a bunch of martial arts moves. I don't know if I'll actually lose weight, but if anyone gives me crap over it I'll be able to kick their ass.
The boss-man is talking about making me an offer to go direct at work. I told him it had better be a good offer. I'm a woman on the edge right now, no need to piss me off.
North Carolina is looking like a wonderful place to live lately. No reason, guess I'm ready for a change. Sitting here watching the blizzard, thining most all southern states are looking pretty good. I do like snow, it's the sub-zero wind chill that I can live without.
Stay warm everyone!! January 18 Deep thoughtsSomething occurred to me today. Inside every Cynic is a heartbroken Idealist.
Damn, now I feel bad for the butt-head. This empathy thing sucks sometimes.
BTW, a ghost came back, took a pass at me and was not successful. The opposite of love truly is apathy. I have really tried to get good and annoyed at him, but honestly just do not care enough to even get annoyed.
Weird, I'm going through a 'not interested' phase in regards to the dating. Pulling in the ads from the sites, I simply do not have time for all of that right now. What I am loving is that it doesn't bother me in the least either. I am busy. I am also tired of trying to be super-woman. I've given myself permission to be completely selfish with my time, and I am loving it. Odd, the happier I become, the more all those things that were annoying me seem to be taking care of themselves.
So, want to talk to me? Leave a message, maybe I'll call. Maybe not. It's nothing personal, I've just got my own thing going on right now. December 28 My Perfect MateI have a profile on OK Cupid. Anyone who has visited this site can attest that they have some great quizzes. That is the main reason I joined, for the quizzes.
Well, seems they are wanting to take their name more seriously and match people up. They have even created a quiz for each user. See a profile you like? Take the quiz and see how you match up on some of the questions from the member questionaire.
OK, wanna see if you're my 'Match'? Here's the link:
Surprisingly enough, I was only a 67% match with myself. I guess I'm feeling a bit different today
December 23 Christmas!!Just a quick entry to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas! Yes, I'm still here, just unbelievably busy lately. I have a feeling things will not quiet down around here until sometime after my girls' graduation next spring.
Oh, I am excited. I have tickets to see Spamalot in Detroit next week. I've wanted to see this show since it's pre-Broadway run in Chicago, but never managed to get tickets. This is my Xmas present to myself this year. I must really like me :)
We lost another bunny. Kit, the prim, sweet little guy, suddenly lost control of his hind legs. When I took him to the vet, we found he had lymphoma and it had gotten into his spine. At least I am assured he didn't suffer. Miss Violet has been grieving horribly and hasn't been eating her pellets since Kit passed. Hopefully she'll perk up before she makes herself sick.
My dad is in the process of downsizing his home, so he gave me most of his furniture. That has kept us pretty busy this past couple of weeks, rearranging the house and trucking furniture cross-country. I've been tossing out old stuff, donating some and passing some on to friends. A friend at work's family had a house fire and lost everything, so I've passed them a few things too. I'm amazed at the things I still have around here from Britt's early childhood, I had completely forgotten about most of this stuff. I'm glad that someone is putting this stuff to good use, I hate to think of it sitting around just taking up space.
Oh, and I've "discovered" a new author, Christopher Moore. OK, new to me, he has been around awhile. Check out his book, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Jesus' Childhood Friend. Great satire, very creative. You will laugh out loud. Repeatedly. Do not drink Coke while reading this book, it will squirt out of your nose. Unless you like that sort of thing, that is. Consider yourself warned.
Enjoy your holiday!! November 17 I'm Here!!Wow, MSN let me log in tonight. I feel so honored.
It's the end of week two. Smoke-free and still happy about it. It's odd, I don't even think about it most of the time, then suddenly I'll get this overwhelming urge to smoke. I believe it happens most when I'm hungry (just before mealtime) or bored. So I'm trying to avoid those two things.
OO, and I haven't hurt anyone, although I did 'thump' one of the guys at work the other day. Now they are keeping their distance. Bonus, huh?
Hey, big news here....the alcohol vote passed!! Woohoo, my little town has entered the 20th century!! Now if we could only drag it into the 21st...
It will be months (at least) before we see any effect from this vote. The town council has to actually write an ordinance and all that stuff. At least the process has begun. Unfortunately, the change is slow, too slow for some of the local businesses. I saw another 'For Lease' sign go up the other day.
I hope their plan for "urban development" starts kicking in soon.
OK, time to go visit other bloggers while I have access :) November 05 Here we go again...Well, I have been trying to blog, but for some strange reason MSN was not letting me log in again. I have no idea what starts this, or even what fixes it, the entire matter seems to be outside my control. Which I could deal with, I can always just create my own journal entries in Word and save them, but I can't effectively blog-walk or leave comments!! To those who may have noticed my absence, thanks for missing me :)
I was watching the NBC World News the other evening, and realized that I was re-writing every news story in my head. I think I overloaded somewhere around the piece that told us how many poilitical ads different candidates from around the counrty had run since August. We here in Michigan had the #2 guy, with over 20,000 ads aired since August. Maybe this is why I'm in such a foul mood all of the time?
The new, improved news stories that popped into my head went something like this:
"Today, every political candidate around the country mysteriously self-combusted into a pile of ash. Once the celebrations quieted, Mrs Gladys Newcastle of Pine Ridge, KY was unanimously selected to be 'Head Dorm Mother' of the United States. Said one supporter, "She's such a nice old lady, and always knows what is the right thing to do. And her pie crusts are absolutely amazing!" Scientists are baffled as to why the political candidates self-combusted, but decided it was all for the best anyway."
"All sports have been banned from public schools grades K-12 across the country, and groups are protesting. Well, we believe this is what they are opposing, but none of the rally signs are spelled properly, so we're really not sure what they are protesting."
"In a radical move today, PETA supplied hundreds of deer and mourning doves with laser weaponry in order to protect themselves from hunters. Unfortunately, the supremacy of their weapons have gone straight to their heads, and now the animals are forming hunting parties of their own. It is recommended to avoid wearing clothing in 'Hunter Orange' until this mess is straightened out. When asked for official comment, Ms. Newcastle chuckled and said, "Well, if that isn't tit for tat, I don't know what is!"
OK, I suppose I should return to reality for a bit. And possibly avoid watching the news for a few more days.
BTW, VOTE!! Be an informed voter, check out this site: www.vote-smart.org It's non-partisan, and tries to give the facts about every candidate around the country. You can even research the incumbents voting records through links from this site. Please vote, I really cannot take this any longer!
October 01 Mom Duty, Drama and the New World OrderI've been remiss. Actually, I've been swamped. Sometimes life does that to you, and you find yourself looking around and wondering 'How did I get here?'
We are off into my girl's senior year. The usual mom stuff is all happening; chauffeuring, dishing out money, answering the phone (this is an advanced skill, how to take messages without actually prying and finding out who is on the other end), hiding my money and clothes, setting up various appointments (doctors, hairdresser, photographer). Randomness is a major factor in my life again. No, you only thought you were going to put your feet up and watch a show, what you are REALLY going to do with your evening is chapperone a high school dance. Sigh, I need to learn to hide as well as the other moms.
Another thing I have done that is making me wonder if I'm truly intelligent or seriously demented: I actually agreed to help those friends of mine with the bylaws re-write. Again. Yup, those of you who have been reading awhile know that this is a project from last summer, and all I got for my efforts was stress and misery. Not one of my fondest memories, I am a person of my word and nothing causes me more personal grief than not being able to complete a task I've said I would do. But this was one thing I finally had to walk away from.
When they called again and asked (hell, begged) for my help, I caved. I know they need help, and I know I am capable of doing the job. The selective amnesia I seem to suffer from periodically (sorry, I have trouble remembering when I first became afflicted with this) flared up just long enough for me to forget that these are the same people who asked (i.e. begged) for my help last year, and then proceeded to abuse me and my committee until we ran off crying in pain.
Nothing has changed. Do you know what is worse than living with teenage drama? Dealing with 'adults' who have never matured beyond the teenage drama phase of their lives. Today I had a serious heart-to-heart with the president of the org, and laid it out for them. I will be happy to help, but I will not take the abuse. Either allow me to do what they have asked me to do, or I will walk and I am not waiting around in some delusional hope that the members in question will suddenly mature to the point that will make their actions tolerable.
Honestly, I just don't get it. I have no idea as to whatever inner politics are happening within the org, only what the membership has asked for in a set of bylaws. Yet somehow my presence and efforts have made people feel insecure enough that they actually try to interfere with the committee's work. I must not understand politics. For some reason, that realization has made me so proud of myself lately.
It's election time; in our state there is a governor's race. The rich, snotty candidate is trying to buy our votes, and he has spent millions of his own dollars to tell us what a horrible governor we have. Odd, he hasn't spent a cent to tell us why he would be better. I'm hoping Canada decides to annex us. I really hate politics.
I've decided that the reason I hate politics is that we have people who are good at politics holding office. The problem is, they are so good at politics, they really are not very good at anything else. Ever meet anyone like that?
I have a theory for a new world order. I'll spell it out for you if you promise not to get too offended. Aw hell, get as offended as you like, maybe that's your favorite way to get exercise. It's just my opinion anyway.
We've all heard the "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" garbage. Well, essentially, it is true. Men and Women approach things from completely different perspectives. This is actually a good thing most of the time, we balance each other, our own little Yin and Yang, if you will.
Men are traditionally motivated by external, somewhat intangible things. Power, prestige, control, all that stuff. Their job throughout evolution has been to prove how much bigger, better, whatever, they are than all of the other men. They sometimes lose focus along this pursuit, to the point that they start to think those other things are more important than the basic needs (like food and shelter, for example). They get so worried about their goal they start doing stupid things (this explains the body painting at football games and really ugly golf pants). This tends to make them undesirable leaders. They can get so focused on external 'goodies' (like conquering and pillaging) that they forget to tend to the internal 'goodies' (like clothes, food and such).
Women traditionally are more focused on internal 'goodies'. Home, hearth, family, all that stuff. Face it, if you're a baby with a dirty diaper, you're a lot better off with a bunch of women around than a bunch of men. Women will hold their nose and dive in to get the job done; the men are more likely to turn your diaper needs into some sort of extreme challenge event. Which would make one think that women would make better leaders, except for one problem. Women, at least through their typical child-bearing years, are instinctively tuned to try to attract men's attention. Yes girls, I hate to admit it, but we are not always at our most level-headed best when there is some guy strutting around showing off how many other guys' butts he has kicked. So, this makes women less than qualified too, up to a point.
But what about that true minor miracle we have; grandmothers? These are ladies who are more annoyed by all that male strutting than entranced. They have their priorities in order; when grandma is around no one is going hungry, fighting or cheating. We all have warm soft beds and clean underwear. And if someone uses bad language or behaves inappropriately, they are drug off by the ear until they turn it around and 'behave like they've got some sense'. No funny stuff allowed.
So my proposition is, only grandmothers are allowed to run for office. Can you imagine if grandmas were in charge all over the world? That Saddam guy would have never gotten away with his bull, he would have been sent to his room years ago. The starving people in Africa would be well fed and probably knitting afghans for everyone. Pollution wouldn't be a problem, because everyone would be expected to clean up after themselves, regardless of what the mess was. Of course, we would all have to eat our vegetables and go to bed at a 'decent' hour. But I think I could live with that. September 12 Kids...gotta love themYeah, I think it's a law or something. Otherwise they'd never make it to 18!
Now, my girl is a 'good kid'. She doesn't hang out all hours, is mostly respectful to me and adults in general, occasionally cleans something around the house. But there are times!!! I am very lucky she's not a bad kid, I have trouble with the good kid version!
She's returned from her summer visit with her dad. The first week or so is usually a bit difficult, adjusting to the new rules and all that. This year I've been a bit blue, knowing that next summer she will most likely be heading off to college somewhere instead of returning home at the end of the summer. Of course, without even trying, she reminded me that this could be a good thing, lol.
This was the summer of 'the boyfriend'. She has had boyfriends all along, usually a different one every week, but until this summer no 'serious' boyfriend has appeared.
Boyfriend came with a price tag. The July phone bill had $80 of extra text messages on it. We had a talk, I warned her to watch her usage or she'd lose the phone and she promised to be more careful. I had no reason to not believe her, she's had this phone for a couple of years and has always done a good job of staying within her limits. If only I had known then what was to come...
I actually had to sit down when I saw the August bill. How does someone who is working talk on the phone for 3500 minutes? And still have time left over to send/receive 1500 text messages? Seems to me their ear would be all swollen or something, not to mention having blisters on their fingers.
So, she now has no phone. Of course, that has hardly put a dent in the boyfriend situation, they still talk a minimum of three times a day. I call her to check in, and get told she has to go because he is ringing in. SIGH No, this isn't a preview of adulthood, this is that weird 'teen' time in between childhood and adulthood.
Children and adults do have a few things in common that teens do not seem to have. They both understand that their parents actually are important to them, for one. Not so with teens. Also the concept of 'fair' gets really skewed during the teen years. Suddenly it has nothing to do with everyone being happy; instead it's all about getting what you want. I think there are a lot of adult-aged teens running around in the world today. Hopefully my girl won't be one of them. But she has been a good kid, and the teen stuff has been kept within limits until just very recently, so I have faith that she will come out of her teens as a responsible adult. LOL, but I still have those moments of worry.
Of course I worry, I am a mother after all. The boyfriend situation has be concerned. He seems like a nice kid and all, but it is a summer romance that is overlapping the school year. With 400 miles between them, it will be very difficult to maintain. He still has his cell phone for a few more weeks, but after that I expect the calls to drop off. I also expect my girl to be very, very sad. I am dreading it already.
I was thinking back to my first love the other day. The excitement, the feeling of connection, the air of magic everything seemed to have. I remember how fierce the emotions were; we were convinced this was 'it', and we'd be together forever. Conversations were limited to one subject: each of us telling the other how much we loved them. The rebellion, too, the 'us against the world' feeling when our parents complained about the amount of time we spent together, sneaking phone calls and meetings when we thougth we could get away with it. We 'knew' with the surety only teenagers have, we fought with the intensity only teens can maintain. We were never 'happy' or 'sad', instead we were so elated we were flying among the clouds, or so brokenhearted we were sure we would die from the sorrow.
I also remembered that feeling when it was over. The seeming suddeness of the ending, how everything looked so gray afterwards, food lost it's flavor, smiles were a thing of the past. Endless misery and heartache. The reasons for the endings may be different, but the results are always the same; depression, tears, sadness, numbness.
So, yes, I worry. I feel as though I am standing watch, waiting for the enemy to show themselves in the night. I know they are coming; I can hear the footsteps in the dark. The sense of dread is almost more than I can stand. I hope I'm wrong; maybe, just maybe, this will be the exception. But the logical, adult part of me knows it is coming. It always does, for first loves and summer romances. It's one of the many hard experiences we all have to go through, a right of passage that prepares us for real love, mature love, yet to come.
My little girl is growing up, and tonight it makes me so sad. September 02 Hello from my corner of the world...I know I haven't been around much lately. I sure wish I could say that something exciting has happened to cause this, but the only thing that has happened is that I've been busy.
I got another bat in the house. UGH. This time I broke down and hired someone to come out and look to see if they can figure out WHY I keep getting bats in the house. Seems odd to me that I've lived this long and it's only in the past couple of years that I've ever had a bat in the house; now it happens all the time! Yes, it's official, some are squatting in my front dormer. The wildlife relocator guy can encourage them to move, but of course it will take a few weeks and about $500. I could do it myself, but that would entail me walking around on my roof, which is very far off of the ground. The roof is not in my comfort zone, but writing a check is. Easy decision there.
I'm rather annoyed, my computer decided to crash again. This is twice since January. This is also the first 'off the shelf' computer I have had in years (its' a Sony). I do not recommend this line of computers to anyone. My next one will be either a custom built or an Apple. Enough of this garbage.
On the bright side, the reformat wiped whatever was blocking my access to my hotmail account off of my computer. It was really getting to me, I could access my hotmail from any computer except my own. The access got screwed up after I signed up for this Windows Live.
I have to sign up again to view other spaces, so I haven't been blog walking. Some I can access, others have restricted access. If I haven't visited you lately, now you know why. I'm mulling this; do I rejoin or not?
My bunny Kaboodle decided to get really sick. Freaked me out, started falling over, staggering, running into things. Off to the emergency vet we went, then to the regular vet a few times. He is better, but not over it, the meds do seem to be helping. Not really sure what is the cause, but none of the probable reasons are good ones. He is 'getting there', 8.5 years old, so this may very well be the 'keep him comfortable as long as you can' thing.
Between the vet, the bats (why do animals hate for me to have money?) and the senior year things for my girl, I'm afraid my dream of the convention has disappeared. I haven't given up all hope yet, I do keep working on it, but it's not looking happy. I am really bumming over that one. I keep reminding myself how good it is to be 'responsibe', but I'm having trouble accepting it. Reality is I am supposed to be putting a new roof on this house, and it seems as though the money gods are against the idea of me having a happy weekend OR a roof.
My girl comes home tomorrow. It's good, I have really missed her. House is way to quiet without her in it. Even with the bats visiting. August 12 Random-nessOh, I just noticed this new 'friends' sidebar. Not sure what to think of it just yet, I stuck it on there and managed to get one 'friend' in there (hey cindi-lou, how's life in the box?) Of course, I still haven't devoted the time to actually put all of my friends in there yet. I will most likely get bored with it and delete it.
Bored is the theme lately. No motivation here. It is not typical for me, and I'm not exactly sure what to do with it. I think of all these ''things" I will do, could be doing, will start first thing in the morning/when I get home from work/whatever, then the moment to begin arrives and I'm just ...blah...whatever...
Once, everything had it's own spark for me. I would jump in, take action, fix it/deal with it/finish it and move on to the next. For some reason, that isn't happening for me lately.
I think I may be...sad. Can you be sad, yet in a good mood? I'm always happy. Cheerful and upbeat comes easily for me. I prefer to view the bright side of things, so I suppose I just do it naturally.
The one thing working for me is soon the girl will be back home, and I'll be forced back into action. No time to lounge around during the school year.
But it has started to concern me, next year she'll be off to college and there won't be an automatic 'kick start' in place for me. How will I handle that? Should I start laying plans now?
Maybe it's just another way of avoiding chores? LOL
Today, I will do laundry! I will cook and eat something that resembles a meal! I will take the bunnies out into the yard and let them run around a bit. I will at least tape down the plastic in preparation of future paint stripping!
And after all of that, I still just want to go lie down. Maybe it's the cosmic thing at work here. I am a Libran, and we don't always do very well left on our own. Being alone isn't a problem, we love our own company, but too much of it starts to drain our energy. We need people/ideas/ stimulii to keep our energy levels up.
OOO, stimulii?! Maybe I need a trip to that greatest of all places....Barnes and Noble! Books, panini, mochas AND godiva chocolate all in one place! Now, if I could only get dressed....
OK, now accepting volunteers to dress my lazy butt so I can go out into the world. Apply at the friends sidebar. August 05 Wondering......is anyone else having trouble signing into their hotmail account since the change here? I have been unable to even view the login screen. I have tried everything listed under the 'help' options, and still no luck. Any suggestions here would be greatly appreciated! August 02 STOP CHANGING!They did it again! I'm not liking this change so far, I couldn't even figure out how to log in!!
My space looks so...blah. Nope, I'm really not feeling this.
In other news...the bylaws committee once again rears it's ugly head! LOL, at least I am only 'consulting', so it's not my drama. I'm hoping to turn over what was done, help the new group get started and step away from it all. Sounds easy enough, doesn't it?
I saw Clerks 2 over the weekend. Loved it. Of course, I loved Clerks. It's an aquired taste, don't sweat it. Just sit over there in the corner so we can laugh and point at you easier. SSHHH now, we're busy laughing at you. Silly people.
The heat wave has me feeling lethargic. Lay around and think skinny thoughts, easier than actually working out. It's supposed to rain tonight, thank god, maybe I'll finally get some sleep. Getting a little punchy here.
All these 'improvements', and there still is no stinking spell checker!! At least put a link to dictionary.com on the toolbar!
July 24 White ElephantsDon't you just hate it when there is a 'white elephant' in the room?
Everyone tries to look away, pretend they don't notice, talk about 'fluff' in an attempt to distract themselves; all the while they keep staring harder and harder at it.
I really suck at ignoring white elephants. First off, they are BIG! They fill the room, crowd my space, no one can even breathe properly with one in the room!
Then there's the staring....the harder I try to look away, the more I end up staring. If I find an angle where I'm not actually looking at the white elephant, I catch it's reflection in the window pane or a mirror. The more I try to avoid it, the more unavoidable it becomes!
Some people become contortionists in their attempt to avoid the elephant, bending this way and that, trying to make it across the room. Squeezing through tiny spaces with a foolish smile plastered on their face, "Oh, I'm FINE, I always walk this way!"
I have seen people actually hurt themself, deprive themselves of happiness, serenity, peace, and sometimes their health, rather than admit there is a white elephant in the room. Why, I have no clue, could it really be any worse if you acknowledge it's presence?
Last night, I had enough of the stinking white elephant. So I stood up, pointed at it and practically screamed, "Hey look! It's a white elephant!"
Now comes the waiting; will the other(s) still pretend to not notice it, will they start to analyze it or will they get upset with me for changing the status quo?
I have a feeling this is gonna be an ice cream and pasta night :(
Maybe elephant steaks on the grill....hmmm.... July 23 Update TimeNot a lot of new things happening here. YAAAWWWWNNNING my way through the summer.
One thing that has me totally annoyed is how people cancel plans at the last minute. Several times this past week I have made plans with friends that have gotten cancelled, usually with little to no warning. Which leaves me here, twiddling my thumbs, wondering what to do with myself. On the plus side, I have discovered a few new tv shows this week.
Now, some of my friends tell me I should just go ahead with my planned outing alone. This is not always an option for me. The friends who tell me this are usually guys, and they honestly do not relate to the whole 'women venturing out alone' problem. Men are raised to be independent and solo creatures. A man walks into a bar alone, and no one gives it a second thought. A woman enters a bar alone, and everyone watches her.
"Why is she here?" "Must be a 'working girl'." "Should I approach her? Maybe I'll get lucky." "Who is she meeting?" "She is here alone, she must be a drunk." Yep, no one just looks up, notices a single person walking into the room and goes back to their own business.
Then consider that some of the plans have been to go to things likes fairs/festivals. Oh yeah, THOSE are fun to attend alone!
Even the most independent woman has been raised with the words, "Good girls don't...". Add to that the constant reminders to be careful, on your guard, protect yourself, and the world is a very scary place for the woman venturing out alone. It's not that it cannot be done, or that it will be unenjoyable if you do; it's that it is ingrained in us that this is risky stuff! The times I have ignored all those warnings and gone anyway, I've had moments of enjoyment, but mostly the sense that I should have listened to those little voices and I'd be happier for it.
Now, I do tend to be very independent and self-reliant, so this stuff really bothers me. My logical side tells me that I should be above all of this. After all, I'm the one taking care of ALL of the 'business' in our lives, holding down the job, paying the bills, overseeing the security of house and family, planning futures, all of that. I should be able to go out into the world on any given day, and not feel as though I'm throwing all caution to the wind, just asking for some sort of 'doom' to fall on my head.
I imagine that if I could ever overcome this obstacle, I'll truly be 'free' (whatever that means). When I do push the envelope and go to some function alone, I am actually playing a role in my head. I purposely hold my head a little higher, I stand a little straighter, I look everyone directly in the eye; I exude condfidence (and charm, I hope). I imagine that others' are looking at me approvingly, admiring how effortlessly I move between the groups of people, stopping here, then there, exchanging pleasantries and sharing laughs before moving on to the next group. All the while, there is a little voice inside of me, crying to actually be included in one of these groups.
I often wonder if this is how it feels for the guys when they venture out alone.
Our society does not know what to do with a single woman. She is an enigma; you're never sure which generalization or stereotype to apply to her. You actually have to take the effort to know her, as a person, in order to attempt to successfully label her (which defeats the whole purpose of getting to know her). The common practice seems to be to try to attach her to some available man, then you don't have to bother labelling her, she can carry whatever label you've assigned to him by proxy.
Did anyone besides me notice that all of my legal documents (deeds, whatever) state "an unmarried woman" or "a single woman"? I've seen the deeds to my father's houses, none of them state 'a single man'. Of course, he is in a different state, maybe it's a state requirement? All I know is, it bugs me. A lot.
Such deep thoughts, when all I really wanted to do was go to the festival and get a turkey drumstick. Why can't life be more simple?
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